lies lies lies

i dont trust people. it takes me forever to trust them.
i dont like trusting people.
i trust God. sometimes im not to sure about that. but that's faith, eh?
people lie to me
people keep stuff from me
not everyone
but some of em
some of em are everywhere
some of em are in your life too
am i one of em?
am i not to be trusted?
do i blend in with this world so much that you turn away from me.
what little value i am
lies. lies. lies
and i accept them.
i shouldnt. why do i ?
i. i. i.i
why me?
i focus on me-foolishness
i am told more truth.
eh? what is this? i have never heard this in my sunday school lessons
but it is there
and now i hear
but i dont believe
i dont want them to hear
i only want my Abba to hear.

///////
i am a fool.
i am a burden.
i do not want to accept these names.
but they cling to me tightly.
a blessing i have never been.
some can argue. but that was long ago.
now i die. i want to live. it hurts to pray.
why must they hear? i only want my Abba to hear.
i only want His guidance. They are not Him. they are not my Savior.
What does all this mean? i want to speak out- speak to my Lord, yet, i do not want them to hear me.
i send my thoughts to Him, though my thoughts they can hear too?
i do not want to be exposed.
i have nothing to hide.
but i do not love them.
i love my King.
i love my Heavenly Daddy.
i want privacy.
i want the secret quiet place where nothing is there save my Father and myself.
i think to myself: i do not wish to learn from them.
Lord send them to punish me if ever need be [i.e. I Chronicles 21]. but please do not let them hear my words to you. not from my thoughts nor my lips. i only want you to hear them.
//am i that great a fool? neither option seems worthy of acceptance.
i cant pray
in all this confusion.
something so stupid has silenced me?
what an idiot i am.
i want to hear his voice. where is the secret quiet place.
there i must go. and fast. for i am falling. i am falling with pain. it wont go away.
i cry out. no i dont. i remain silent. i think. i think more. im scared of thinking for now everything knows. i have questions. but the one who told me this went away.
now i am forced to run to God. everyone else has left.
Lord Lord! come fast. your maidservant is scared. like a little girl. a foolish little girl.