deaf pride

to go or to stay
adventure or knowledge
which would i choose?
one to glorify God for at least a week
another to prepare to glorify Him for the rest of my life
surely a week would do nothing
they were all going
what would i do before and after the short trip?

my plans never work
surely this is the way
or maybe i missed my turn way back there
i messed up
the plan did not have good results
smoother sailings were predicted
but now more sacrifice is the consequence

don't stay here
don't focus so much on the future
obey now
live now
i heard that voice say
but then there was the voice
stay. and work
prepare for the long journey ahead
this one seemed better for me.
this one seemed better for me to be a better servant
but my Lord delights in obedience not sacrifice

how was i to know that i was to go anywhere?
was it my fault for not doing the proper research?
i didnt know where to begin.
but i was already here
and i know i eventually will go
but i prepared the way
and the road was terrible
thorns everywhere
no where to rest my head with out the fear of being harmed

oh pride! deaf pride!
let me go!
i no longer wish to be with you.
you have ruined my way of thinking
as a child i had no doubt
God said and i did
now so many options
God says and i sit and think

my heart is weary.
all this focus on work makes the outsiders wonder:
is work her god?
it wasnt supposed to be like this
i am becoming my greatest fear
the rich young ruler
doing his "daily good"
yet to stubborn to let all his earthly riches go

obey. trust and obey.
not work. work some more. and at the end of the day
give five minutes to obey.
when i was i child yeah i acted like a child
sure i may have thought like a child
but now that i am a woman
i have forgotten my childlike faith
i replaced the running shoes required for this race
with heals that make me slow down my pace

Lord your sword was removed.
silence is before me.
i have too much
how can i break away from all of these possessions
it is easy to say you are my Lord
and another thing to follow throw and surrender everything
talking such as this makes me sound just like them

Spirit, sweep me away!
i don't care anymore of anyone's demands
demolish the lies of everything mus t be done now
i will stay in this desert until i am ready by your standards for the battles that are coming my way
You and You alone are my Guide, my Hope and my Salvation.

battles were coming near
my hand was to quick to the sword
i thought i knew the battle plan
but i went to all the wrong sources for training
what can the world give me?
its knowledge means nothing to me if failure is my reward

what a bitter cup to drink
this cup of disobedience
it was painful and satisfied only me only for a moment
but i thought i was obeying in my head
but in my heart i heard a voice that grew fainter by the day:
leave here and come back later
this is not the time for knowledge
now is the time for action
and now the time for knowledge has come
and my sword is put down
it has grown heavy in my hand
rust has come along its edges for i refused to continue practicing off of the battle field

pride. disobedience.
the sweet escape never came.
here i am. enslaved to a system of learning.
and what have i learned besides letting pride and my plans
deafen me to the Master's beautiful melody
i am to be an instrument
but in my stubbornness i refused to be intune to His heartbeat-
where can i find the rhythm to sing and dance without this?

my heart is broken
my mind realizes its foolishness
pride was blown away
the Potter comes to repair the clay
His hands begin to mold me once more
perhaps this time i will not put up a fight
perhaps this time i will open my ears and hear
Father, i am yours. take me as i am
and let me not forget this lesson i have learned