the lost song

i hear those notes
the chords form
and the memory of you comes to me

i prayed you would find life
life starred you in the eyes
life drums on your hearts door
so that you may have music evermore
but you choose to continue to die
the music stops
where is the beat that made your blood run through your veins?

you choose to die
i choose to live
i cannot stop living
i must keep singing
i play the melody
alone with no harmony
and some days when all is quiet i hear the lost song
the one you showed me
yet how could you ever think i would trade life for the wrong?

my life would shatter
if i were ever silent on what really mattered
you begged for silence
so silence you receive

i am here
you are gone
gone with the lost song
no tears i weep
but my heart cannot keep
from crying aloud
for my God to save you

how are you? [tangent time]

this could be one of the most frustrating questions for me.
are: verb. definition: to be.
so how am i?
to be something. but im not constantly something.
then again i am human. and i am christian.
so i am constantly both of those and there is no changing that.
but my actions can like to tattle on me for not behaving as a christian.
then again the title christian is one this world gave to disciples. and now many who are not true disciples claim to be christian. christian meaning Christ-like. but to be a disciple is to follow Jesus step by step by step. and when some say christian that is what they mean. but for others christian may only mean: one who does good deeds like that Jesus-guy.
how are you?
i am not good. no one is good but the Father.
i am not well but everything is well with my soul because of the peace that Jesus has placed in my heart.
how are you?
i am not terrible. yes im human. but im not fully terrible. i was thinking about this the other day. there is no equal to Jesus. this many people have known forever and a day. but as i was pondering on it i realized just how much of NO equal there really was...or is it is not? i cant even be perfectly human bc Jesus has got me beat there. and it's AWESOME! there isnt an evil that will overcome me nor can anyone become perfectly evil. because only God is perfect :D bwahahaha!
how am i?
i am not an emotion. those things can and do change rapidly. and sometimes it hurts us when people change from an emotion of merriment/friendliness to bitterness and and anger. or vice versa.
how am i?
how am i what?
how am i me? well God made me who i am. and my flesh, this dark world and little evils are out to make sure i behave as i am not. but Thank you Jesus for grace to set me free from all of that so i can be who You created me to be in You.
therefore:
how am i?
i am not the Great I Am-but He is full of awe! and indescribable and makes me grin!- but i am who i am no more no less. and i cant complain. and i would like a different question please!

where is my treasure?

oh my little eyes
mother sang to me as a child
for you to be careful at what you see
when i was little i thought they were only bad things
but look- no dont!
the good things are pleasing upon which to fix your gaze too.

what are these riches that have captured my attention?
there is nothing evil in them
see how good they are?
or do i not see?
perhaps i have blinded myself

music music music!
my ears hear the sound and my heart is pleased!
what do people remember the most?
the sermon or the music?
this isnt easy
a price that seems never able to satisfy
it has worked for other servants
why does my heart seem burdened?
was i not sung over as a babe by my father
that Jesus would keep me singing
let me sing for all to hear the glory of my Savior
yet, truth in this choice is not found by those who rule
they do not speak encouraging words
they point me in another direction
should my ears listen to those in authority?
is this God telling me to abandon this wealth of peacefulness?

where am i going?
can i partially surrender?
just in case i havent heard correctly?
for where are You taking me?
i ask for direction and i walk in a fog
what is this cloud that covers Your light?
i cling to something that is not my Lord
why is my grip so strong?
how much more must the Spirit take away so i can see this poison to which i cling is not the answer to all my questions?

tired. sleep. weary. drained.
even youths grow tired and weary
but i am ready to renew my stregth
the cure is to hope in the Lord
the medicine is hard to swallow
might i know the directions before use?

deaf pride

to go or to stay
adventure or knowledge
which would i choose?
one to glorify God for at least a week
another to prepare to glorify Him for the rest of my life
surely a week would do nothing
they were all going
what would i do before and after the short trip?

my plans never work
surely this is the way
or maybe i missed my turn way back there
i messed up
the plan did not have good results
smoother sailings were predicted
but now more sacrifice is the consequence

don't stay here
don't focus so much on the future
obey now
live now
i heard that voice say
but then there was the voice
stay. and work
prepare for the long journey ahead
this one seemed better for me.
this one seemed better for me to be a better servant
but my Lord delights in obedience not sacrifice

how was i to know that i was to go anywhere?
was it my fault for not doing the proper research?
i didnt know where to begin.
but i was already here
and i know i eventually will go
but i prepared the way
and the road was terrible
thorns everywhere
no where to rest my head with out the fear of being harmed

oh pride! deaf pride!
let me go!
i no longer wish to be with you.
you have ruined my way of thinking
as a child i had no doubt
God said and i did
now so many options
God says and i sit and think

my heart is weary.
all this focus on work makes the outsiders wonder:
is work her god?
it wasnt supposed to be like this
i am becoming my greatest fear
the rich young ruler
doing his "daily good"
yet to stubborn to let all his earthly riches go

obey. trust and obey.
not work. work some more. and at the end of the day
give five minutes to obey.
when i was i child yeah i acted like a child
sure i may have thought like a child
but now that i am a woman
i have forgotten my childlike faith
i replaced the running shoes required for this race
with heals that make me slow down my pace

Lord your sword was removed.
silence is before me.
i have too much
how can i break away from all of these possessions
it is easy to say you are my Lord
and another thing to follow throw and surrender everything
talking such as this makes me sound just like them

Spirit, sweep me away!
i don't care anymore of anyone's demands
demolish the lies of everything mus t be done now
i will stay in this desert until i am ready by your standards for the battles that are coming my way
You and You alone are my Guide, my Hope and my Salvation.

battles were coming near
my hand was to quick to the sword
i thought i knew the battle plan
but i went to all the wrong sources for training
what can the world give me?
its knowledge means nothing to me if failure is my reward

what a bitter cup to drink
this cup of disobedience
it was painful and satisfied only me only for a moment
but i thought i was obeying in my head
but in my heart i heard a voice that grew fainter by the day:
leave here and come back later
this is not the time for knowledge
now is the time for action
and now the time for knowledge has come
and my sword is put down
it has grown heavy in my hand
rust has come along its edges for i refused to continue practicing off of the battle field

pride. disobedience.
the sweet escape never came.
here i am. enslaved to a system of learning.
and what have i learned besides letting pride and my plans
deafen me to the Master's beautiful melody
i am to be an instrument
but in my stubbornness i refused to be intune to His heartbeat-
where can i find the rhythm to sing and dance without this?

my heart is broken
my mind realizes its foolishness
pride was blown away
the Potter comes to repair the clay
His hands begin to mold me once more
perhaps this time i will not put up a fight
perhaps this time i will open my ears and hear
Father, i am yours. take me as i am
and let me not forget this lesson i have learned

God keeps His Word.

learning the hard way is so painful. and yet that seems to be the only way God can get through to me.

before continuing to read this read Jeremiah 1, Psalm 2, and Proverbs 28:1.

now then.

somewhere within Jeremiah chapter one God says:

1)you must go wherever I command you and say whatever I tell you

2) do not be intimidated by them or i will intimidate you in front of them

3):I'm not sending you to a people who speak some foreign language-im sending you to your own kind

in psalm 2 you have God laughing at the rulers because they think they know how to handle anything and can solve all the problems

and then there is proverbs 28:1 that says the wicked flee from anything but the righteous are as bold as lions

that was like melodyism cliff notes. go read it yourself if you want exact word for word.

God has placed all of this on my heart for quite a while now. but i refused to fully listen to him. and shame me he did. here's how:

yesterday in western civ 2 we were talking about social Darwinism and the teacher stated you can be Darwinist and Christian. i almost exploded. i didnt say anything. well i did. just not to where he or the entire class could hear anything.

\i fumed and muttered: you cannot be a christian and an evolutionist

this chic that sits next to me was like: yes you can because i am

and i said: no you are not!i will agree that you can believe in God/know OF Him and follow evolution. but you cannot be both.

and then she started to babble all the annoying lies i've heard before and so

i simply say: "ssshhh!!" since the teacher was still talking all this time and i was afraid i was missing notes.......

so today after the teacher handed back our tests he was like: you! melody! i have a bone to pick with you.

me: oh dear. should i not look at my test? is it that bad?

teacher: no your test is fine just hold on

and then after handing out all the test he goes to the front of class and casually sits down and he says how i was not agreeing with what he was saying yesterday and maybe on many days of his class. and then he spoke to this guy who was able to define something perfectly yesterday when he couldnt.

he then proceeds to say: i didnt mean to pick on just the two of you but y'all are not robots! all of you! you have a brain. you have freedom. speak out!

i was as red as a tomato from the time he said i have a bone to pick with you.

at the end of the class the chick and the dude told me what they had done. this chick and this dude that sit next to me went to the teacher and told him after i had left class about how i dont speak up when i disagree with what is being said in class. they were in my western civ 1 class so they have witnessed all my fuming and never yelling out what i believe in many matters with both western civ 1 and 2...

i was furious

then i thought of all those verses

and i was like...sigh

God you are always right

but i dont trust those two peoples

but i still love my history teacher

even though he isnt right

it wasnt bc of the teacher that i didnt speak up

it was bc i didnt want to hear any more crap from all those students who despise God and his children

but you know what

that didnt stop Jesus from speaking the Truth

i need to suck it up and be strong. my heart and flesh my grow weak but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever. im rejoicing that God followed through with His word and put me to shame. i shall be as bold as a lion. maybe i will sound irrational. but nothing can be as foolish as spreading lies or not doing anything to stop the spreading of lies.

oh and as for psalm 2. i knew that verse and many others that i could of used to defend my beliefs on the entire topic. but i let my cowardliness be in control. and it hurt. when i am bold as a lion then i am not in pain. if anything my silent fuming did make some great writing time in class. which i'll post those writings later.

check out these songs:

the hard way

what if i stumble?

not finished. just the beginning

i am not worried.
no more fears.
i will not accept the offers.
into the darkness they scurried.

focus not on the blessings
but from the giver, my beautiful King.

millions of whispers deafen my ears
i long only for one Voice
all these other words sound so kind and sweet
how can good things become all wrong
somehow i try to take hold that which is not mine

Lord vanquish these fears
thus my soul shall freely rejoice!
let me not look to the bitterness that brings defeat
it is not "good things", but in Truth in which i belong
all the worlds offers i decline

another oldie but a goodie :)

Blessèd assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain

This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Refrain

Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

blessed assurance