September 11, 2018 Beyond the Day

September 11, 2018

What are we remembering?

Is it all covered in smoke-

Like the great city did less than two decades ago…

What are we feeling?

Is it a sorrow that was never properly mourned?

Business as usual?

Today where I stand

Clouds have hovered low and gray

A full day without the sun

But not a drop of rain

Some would say:

“What about the tragedy of those ships long ago?”

But we made peace with those who hurt us (and whom we hurt ten times worse) since that century…

But this century’s enemy…this Dragon was born of a broken promise from the last. 

The Dragon hides her identity behind the names of others

And while the Dragon has searched for just a drop of water to cool her tongue

All nations have gathered to lock the wells

This made the Dragon take desperate action

But still no water was given

And so the Dragon grew in fierceness…

When will we learn Faithfulness ?

When will we let Kindness be our crown

And Peace be our shoes?

For even a saving grace greeted those He loved with

“Salaam alikum”!                      

While Horror screams for attention

Mercy quietly cries in the corner

Pleading for Forgiveness and Compassion

To be the leaders of our choices.

A cry for help is heard

Weapons were given as gifts

When all was needed

Was the gift of time and understanding.

If such grace filled gifts were given

Perhaps the dragon could finally be relieved of her scales

For this is not who she is

Deep in her soul-

If she could be given a taste of the living water

And trust not in the hearts of the old ruins

But in the Rock that forever stands-

She knows she is:

A Phoenix

Rising from the ashes

Of fires she and others made

Together through their lies and hate for one another-

Once this Phoenix is free she will not use her fire to lash out at those who deprived her

But will use it to Fly 

Above the pain

And be a reminder to all

To look Beyond the Days of hurt

And live for the hope that dwells

On the narrow paths

For the wide paths were made by the days of old

When the Dragon was born and the Phoenix forgotten

The Lord HAS done great things for me! And now, at last, I can clearly see!

For over seven years I suffered from chronic pain. It began when a family member told me I was worthless and didn’t do anything to help around the house. So to prove this person wrong I carried twenty gallons of paint up a hill to his/her truck- AT ONE TIME. Ten gallons in each hand. For all you strong people out there you may scoff and say that’s nothing. But for an average sophomore-in-college-young-lady it was quite a feat. In the process of trying to prove my worth I tore all the muscles in my upper back. 

The following day I decided to wear high heals to campus (probably because I had to perform that day) while carrying a 40 pound backpack. But this is only the beginning of my foolishness causing me harm.

 A “friend” offered to rub my aching back.  This “friend” then chopped my shoulder blade with all his/her might. I don’t mean the continuous chop that makes you go “uuuuuuuuh”. It was like a dagger was driven into my muscles with such force the wind was knocked out of me and I had no feeling from my back down to my leg. This “friend”, and another person who was around, proceed to laugh as I lay on the floor withering in pain. 

For over a year the pain slowly eased. I probably went to get a massage or two to help. But within a years time I went white water rafting and pulled a muscle behind my knee or above it. That same year I was in a car accident where the other driver ran a red light. Whiplash from the wreck brought all the previously mentioned pain swarming back like never before as well as causing neck pain.  At this point pain now began to be ever present from my neck down to my knee.

 A random chiropractor office in town called me up shortly after the wreck knowing I had been in a wreck. That was creepy. These are the types of doctors who I like to call ambulance chasers. They look at police reports to find out who they can con money out of next and know just what to say in order to overcharge you for their services. I saw past their false caring words. I also knew a massage was not going to help this time and since I still had insurance I was able to go to physical therapy. 

The PTs gave me a stretching routine to do but it would only eased the pain for 30 minutes and then the pain would come back with rage. Was I to live a life of having to constantly stretch? (There is a metaphor for ya.) Maybe it was because I was overweight… Ha! Looking back at photos of myself from during this time I’m enraged at my then self-view. I looked goooood. But I wasn’t a beanpole so obviously I was obese. (joke) 

Later in my college life I pulled a lower back muscle while walking up stairs and wearing a 70 pound backpack. Wonder how that could have happened, eh? I thought I was paralayzed for life after this injury. Three days passed and I was finally able to move/walk “normal”. At this time I had no insurance so there was no going to see a doctor for help. 

There was also a time where I went hiking and for some reason I fell. My fall was broken by a jagged tree root that went into my lower back/bum. About the same spot I had pulled the muscle when walking up campus stairs a year prior.   I still have red marks from where it injured me. And there have been different times I have rolled my ankles or bent my foot wrong.  Pain was like a gnat buzzing in my ear. Reminding me it was there up in my neck all the way down to my ankle. 

Now, a couple of years ago I went to one of those churches that believe in the Holy Spirit and His power to heal. And I don’t mean, “Oh, God, let the medicine work” healing.(Nothing against those who take medicine for healing. That’s another blog for another time…and another blogger.) I mean they pray and Holy Spirit brings healing kind of healing. At the end of the service the pastor asked if there was anyone who was in need of prayer for healing for any reason. I spoke up/raised my hand. Maybe this would be the day the pain would finally stop.  So as people prayed over/for me one woman stopped praying and looked at me and asked, “Are your hips out of alignment?” I replied, “I don’t know. Why?” Note, I was sitting so no one would be able to tell from that. “I think your hips are out of alignment. You need to go see a chiropractor.” 

*gasp*

 A chiropractor? I told her how I was scared of chiropractors. I grew up with my family preaching the word of chiropractors being corrupt and cause damage to your health.  Thus, I didn’t go. 

For the next two or three years the pain grew stronger. I was covered in pain and with it its fellow symptoms: depression, sorrow, upset stomach, weight gain, lack of focus. (As for the latter, people accused me of being add/adhd but I think it was my subconscious trying not to focus on the pain). I was miserable!  

Know this: I would seldom take any kind of medicine to alleviate the pain. I knew this was a pain too deep for medicine to help and I would only take ibuprofen on days when it was really bad. And by really bad I mean I couldn’t stand or sit for more than 30 minutes without feeling exhausted.  It would ease the pain to where I could focus a little bit better and get stuff done.

 

This past Thanksgiving all those symptoms were yelling at me. I was being overcome with it all. I was afraid I had some kind of food allergy, but, no matter what I ate my digestion system would be upset. I had no energy or motivation to do anything except bond with the couch. 

 I was upset at myself. This is not the person I wanted to be. I was forcing myself to go out and do things just to prove the pain and depression wrong. They of course would retaliate with a deep emotional exhaustion.  

On one particular outing this past December I went to work out with a friend. Now this friend is one of those people who just smiles the entire time she is at the gym. Maybe I am the only one that when I’m at the gym I’m overwhelmed with the thought of: "I am never going to master all this. I’m never going to be strong enough." But when you work out with a friend who is happy to be there and thinks it can be a fun time, smiles can be contagious. 

We were going about lifting weights, working the machines. She, of course, is leading this workout session. We get to one weight machine and she demonstrates how we are going to strengthen our calf muscles. Sweet! I know this one. It’s like 48s. I used to do this all the time back in high school. I would get compliments on my calf muscles. I’ve got this!

To do this exercise one must extended her legs to where her knees are slightly bent then proceed to push on the flat part of the machine with her toes/balls of her feet. It’s ridiculously easy. Yet, I couldn’t do it. 

My friend was trying to explain it to me and I was like “Thank you, Captain Obvious!” So for a minute or two my friend is watching me struggle with THE MOST BASIC EXERCISE EVER and then speaks, “Are your hips out of alignment?” *You’ve got to be kidding me* “Ya know,” I answer, “Your distant cousin got a word from the Lord a couple of years ago that they were...so, maybe? Why?”  “Because one leg is completely straight and the other leg the knee is slightly bent.” I was dumbfounded. 

That’s it! I had to get a chiropractor. She suggested one that was super fancy and far away from my neck of the woods. Being an unemployed licensed teacher that wasn’t going to work for me…But I had to find another. 

Who else could suggest a safe and wise chiropractor- one who was honest and not an ambulance chaser? Obviously my hippy friend would know someone…okay she’s not a hippy but she’s super into homeopathic medicine/life. My nickname for her is Mother Earth and I hope one day I can be as cool a woman as she is. She gave me the chiropractor information…again, for I had inquired of this before, years ago, but didn’t go-Because fear hinders people from healing. I called this chiropractor. It was Christmas weekend. No answer. I called the Wednesday after Christmas. Was it a coincidence I wore my Ironman pajama shirt the night before I contacted Dr. Jerviss? Different spelling, same pronunciation(at least if you have a southern accent), but an extreme help just like Ironman’s computer nonetheless. She answered and said to come on over to the office that day! No more waiting.

 I called the workout buddy and told her what was happening. What was this feeling stirring in my soul? As I drove to the WellHouse tears were on the brim of my eyes but it wasn’t from sorrow. At long last I was going to the door at which God had said I could find physical healing. Boy was I stubborn at adhering to His voice!

Dr. Jerviss was a little dumbfounded as I told her of all the different injuries I had had that caused me pain. I left out the emotional details because I didn’t want to dwell on any bitterness at this appointment. She said when I walked in she wouldn’t have known all that had happened to me. It reminded me of a compliment someone had given me by how I kept smiling even though I was in constant pain.

She proceeded to adjust me. There was one point where I felt something deep in my core adjust. It was at that moment I felt the depression leave me. I could breathe again! I mean, I never stopped breathing, but, now it didn’t seem like an effort to enjoy being alive and breathing. 

After my walk-in appointment I went to have coffee with my friend. I couldn’t stop smiling. I told her she probably hadn’t seen me this happy in years. She remarked, “Girl, this isn’t happiness. This is joy!” My smile was no longer a masque but a reflection of my soul. 

Of course, I felt an immediate relief after being adjusted, but having lived with over seven years of pain I will be responsible with this healing process and continue to go see Dr. Jerviss for 6 more weeks and then a monthly visit and eventually get to point where I only go as needed. 

All the rage, bitterness, and depression are gone. With all those awful symptoms of pain gone I feel like there is good soil for the fruit of the Spirit to grow in my life. Anger seems like a foreign emotion to me. Once more mercy and compassion can dwell in me. Memories of regret are being replaced with seeing how God was working around me all along. 

When I stand it doesn’t feel like the room is at an angle. It isn’t an effort to have good posture. I wish I could go back and do my senior vocal recital now that I can stand with confidence. Fear has been crushed. All the ways the enemy has tried to break me (literally) have been defeated. 

Praise God for allowing his creation to learn about how the body works and being able to help one another out. 

What I want you to take away from all of this:

 God is alive. And He is in the business of bringing healing in surprising ways. I mean this isn’t the first time in the history of mankind he brought healing to a person in an odd way. Go check out the account of Naaman in 2 Kings 5:1-19. And then, let’s not forget the blind guy in John 9(yep. The entire chapter! Read it!) 

The Bible is filled with these accounts of the Lord healing in mysterious ways. I mean even the way he chose to heal our captive souls wasn’t what was expected by people. But if we want the healing He offers, it’s going to take an act of obedience to go where he called us to find that healing as well as surrender of fear of the things of this world. Like Naaman and myself, the Lord might send us to a place our old selves detest. It is in that place we will find life and be made new. When we go we finally find peace. We can breathe again and our hearts are open to Holy Spirit coming into our lives and restoring our souls.

At first I was going to keep my story of God healing my back on the down low. But I am filled with too much joy to keep it a secret. My family may ridicule me for going to a chiropractor. (They don’t know yet, but it won’t be long after I post this blog that they will know.) Others may ridicule me for giving God all this credit for healing. I can't contain this good news! I want to proclaim the Lords goodness forever!

 I once was a captive to pain. Pain caused my mouth to be filled with vile words and complaints. Now that kind of talk seems odd to my mouth. Now my heart is filled with laughter and my mouth is filled with songs of joy!

 May all who read this seek the Lord and find true restoration. 

Psalm 126

Zion’s Restoration

A song of ascents.

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dream.
Our mouths were filled with laughter then,
and our tongues with shouts of joy.
Then they said among the nations,
“The Lord has done great things for them.”
 The Lord had done great things for us;
we were joyful.

Restore our fortunes, Lord,
like watercourses in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears
will reap with shouts of joy.
Though one goes along weeping,
carrying the bag of seed,
he will surely come back with shouts of joy,
carrying his sheaves.

Finger Paint

your vision is blurred.
how can you say you don't see the beauty I see.
you waste your time trying to make things better
when I have it under control
you believe the voices shouting at you,"Insufficient!"
you spend your riches on things that won't last
you avoid living just so you can fit in with those who are dying
 Why do you gaze into the world's twisted reflection of you?
Look through My Eyes! See how my thumbprints cover you?
See how I love your heart.
your flesh will pass away but your soul is sealed to be with Me.

Dwell in Me.
Rest in Me.
Flee to Me.
I won't turn you away.
Live in Me.
Why do you please people by depriving yourself of My Blessings.
Stop going by what they say is perfect.
you will not please them
whether you eat drink or whatever you do,
Beloved, do it for Me.
Love me with your whole being.
With your mind think of Me
With your strength glorify Me
With your heart burn with passion for Me
you are beautiful
I will heal you
Let Me, the Artist of Beauty, mold you

 

Screams&Soars

running wild
calling for answers
silence responds
the chase for the next step begins
hearts broken
goodbyes never spoken

to ask "why" adds to the madness
stop all the wishes
breathe to stop fear's shake
one last glance brings heartache
don't shed the tears
it's time to leave here

the words fall short
wanting to scream for them
to have them come back once more
but they had to fly
longing for them hinders their journey
let them go
let your ways go
so you can soar
with the Way

mute side

silence
speaking to much
must be a fool near by
not understanding
should of known the answers
not worthy of explanations
ask a question
be mocked
don't ask people for help
it only bothers them


someday there will be people who teach
today there is only those who are selfish
and wish to learn

bend or break

"that's not what you should say
these words are better
you don't know who you are
you keep wearing masks
your words are immature
you are chaff in the wind
bend this way
break so we can mold you
here are plans
yes now turn down this path
papers, honors, ways
awards await you
just keep doing as we say"

Lord! who are these people?
Our ways are not your ways
I long for you
My heart cries out for you
i want my Potter to be the one who molds me
oh you sent one of your children!
"they aren't the boss of you!"
Glory and Honor and Praise belong to the Lord
He has not laid aside the plans He has for me.
Storms become serene as i see the Marvelous Light
leading me through the sea
I don't know where the Spirit is taking me
but the worries and fears are gone
i do what i must
and then i shall wait
and let the Spirit be the one who makes me bend and break

freedom

warning: boring blog ahead! waste of time to read!

i am so free! i deleted my fbook account forever!
people can be all the angry they want (yeah that sounded grammatically correct)
i dont care. it was eating my time. sure. just set a time limit for yourself. yeah. that was not working. i didnt have the will power, nor did i enjoy being on there. ah. what bliss. :)

oops

people
so easy to run from
so easy to miss
loneliness proclaimed to be bliss

time has not healed any wounds
it only made new ones
here there and far away
a part from all we knew
where are those who taught us
where are the ones we love
we spent to much fighting
and now we see tears from above

lies about each other whispered in our ears
stay away from this one
or have years of friendship full of jeers

one mistake
choice to make
stay away
keep the pain
of loneliness

joyous strains

don't fear don't fear
that's what i need whispered in my ears
please Father take me away from here

the world and i can't get along
both think the other wrong

pain
You presence carries me through this
can you hear my joyous strains?

everything is meaningless
a chase after the wind
out the window has gone happiness

don't fear don't fear
where am i to go from here?

the last goodbye

nevermore shall i speak to you

nevermore will we sing

i came back

no time to speak

and you shut the door

thoughts of you from which i am free

this is it

never again will i come here

i showed you the key

but you want to stay in this cursed place

thank you for the music you shared

i will take it and make it a blessing to all

even if you choose to stop and never play again to crowds large or small

how joyful my heart is to say goodbye

you can be a fool

but oh! i can run without looking back

you cannot forget it is salvation you lack

even as you live as a stubborn mule

and on your death bed

you will see great Light about which you read

and you will say your last goodbye with a painful sigh

run and speak

i wanna run away

and just sing

and make music with all my soul

and dance and play
in the warm fields of my King
why is it here i must stay?
no ears are listening
hearts as black as coal
refusing to be made whole

wrong answer
those words make me feel like a deadly cancer
if you are so right
why then is your life filled with strife?
toils snares and dangers
bring me no fear
but you try to drag me into those dark places full of confusion
i will not nor cannot go there
i am in the Light and He is in me

why must i keep speaking to them?
they are not listening to the Word.
i know what You have told me so i declare Your News.
i cant do this. please take me away.
but You tell me to stay
and my heart cannot bear to go against Your will.
how much longer must i wait to leave and find Your people
some are here
but is it a lie that many more are way over there?

how easily they become offended and say i am wrong
but my heart does not break when they say these words
when i speak do i sound to them a crashing gong?
or have i become a buzzing bee
longing for them to find the cure.

repeat repeat repeat
how many other ways can i speak?
i shed no tears
let them be consumed in fears
i spoke
they scream
i walk away
their blood is on their hands
i shall keep running towards the promised land

coming back

silently i left

no reason

i slipped away

you calmly asked why

but you received no reply

at first my mind was at ease

surely someone else would find you

surely someone else could show you the Light

but my heart would not let me think this thought right

memories of you came and went

all the while i prayed for you to repent

time has not healed you

there you still lie on the ground

with the sword in your heart

blocking you from receiving Strength which gives healing

you say you left the race long ago

but i believe you were never in it to win

you may have cheered others on

but only for the audiences to be pleased with the show

i have not left this race

and now i come back for you

freedom still allows you to not join

nor do you need to let me come back

if silence is what you choose

i understand

for i did the same to you

Father don't let the bitter dream come true

silence

question

answers

truth

lies

truth

fragment

yes and no's

wrong way

this way

oh how the snake twists around me

innocence and wisdom collide

the battle rages on

serpent and dove

forgiveness i seek

for complicating simplicity

work and work

longing to relax

relaxing and getting behind on work

there is a time for work and a time to relax

voices beckoning to relax come to me at every direction

but the season is not here

and it may not come for a while

silence the voices that pull at you from every direction

part of you wants to not deal with any of this

thinking about it means you are worrying

no dear friend. that is a lie.

determination

endurance

this is what you must have

do not let those for whom you care distract you any longer

you are where you need to be

now grow

it is possible to be by the still waters as the winds of storms begin to blow

obey.

obey more.

do not let your desires conflict with God's amazing plan

self discipline many have not. will you become like them?

they think themselves in the right and yet they are still there.

you will be leaving soon and if you carry with you these bad habits they will become a burden

stretch your wings

become fit for flight

for in a moment your time there will be over and the new journey will begin

yes

yes and more yes!

keep going! look the crowd you thought against you now cheers you on

they never stopped cheering

you became disillusioned with the lies

but now you see

and though your heart aches for a different story you mustn't give up just because it isn't picture perfect for everyone

train

every way

every day

into the silence

then take flight

way up there you will proclaim the Truth and by the Truth many will be saved.

:(

ah!
the sun arises
a fresh day
a new start
surely today i will not stumble
my gaze is fixed on the Lord
here i go out into the world

a cold wind greats me
it is no matter
for the Lord is an ever constant fire burning inside me

alas! what is that in the distant?
someone calling for help
but it didnt sound like help
yet the call was indeed missed
and so early on what should be a glorious morning
i have brought the storms
how long will i be so quick to disobey?

and thus a burden lays upon my shoulders
what have i done
i asked to see those ready to live
and what do i do but become a little girl

the night grows closer and the entire day begins to look brighter
but not for this fool
once more must i fail
for who would ever--
so easily angered they became
but i didnt speak for harm
and yet harm came
and in the darkness we all remain

no hear no speak therefore no see

please please please let me go ask them my questions
it does not have to be all the people
just let me ask one person
let one human have the answer
i am a bad listener
i know where i want to go
but did You tell me not to go there?
my heart aches for a land far from here.
why must i stay
and watch so many choose to die
when those who do not know life
are longing for the cure
i cant even speak right
my words have done more tearing down
than any building up

tighter they pull the fold of the blinds
do You want me to stop speaking?
anger brews from within them
how haughty they become because of my slow speech
they say, "quick quick give me an answer so i can prove you wrong!"
just let them overcome me
and sweep me away.
my heart continues to grown
why does sorrow constantly follow me?

here is a person
look! over there another.
speak
no be quiet!
silence
no yell!
oh back and forth the debate in me
i will be silent
no i wont
i like chaff which the wind blows away

but you and you and you
all of you have shown what lies in your heart
forgive me for being a burden
someday i will be gone from your land
and into another
you will hear no more of me
i hope and pray, that wherever else i go, i will be the servant the King has called me to be
what keeps me hear?
why do i fly not, but shed many tears?
if i cannot communicate to these people
if i am still a child here
what makes me think i am ready to go to another land in this world?
being mature and complete
able to talk to anyone
speaking as a bold lion
no
i am not ready
for i have forgotten the training of my youth
now i must start over
and here i stay
while others refuse to hear me
so i refuse to speak
then nobody sees

oh Father.
forgive us for our stubbornness
let Your Light uncover this darkness that consumes us
Your way is not complicated
yet many follow the ways of the pharisees and sadducees making up stumbling blocks
i will race
you have set me free
i do believe it
so now...though my flesh is afraid...i will speak
give me the words to say
for my thoughts are but a breath

dream from march 2009 or april 2008?

tis a dream i had
a while ago
when i think of it
i cant help but stay on my toes....

i stand in a dark valley
strong mighty mountains before me
behind me
the moon shines down
little light fills my surroundings
only enough to create silhouettes
emptiness consumes me
i think it impossible to continue with whatever it was i had to do
suddenly i see a blue and red light
it starts from midway of the mountain
closer
closer still
the base of the mountain it has reached
though i am in the middle of the valley
i make eye contact
cold dark eyes
longing for me
"death" he whispers through his gaze
"death?" i question with my weary eyes
he is gaining ground on me
something tells me to fight
but i wont
his offer of death has paralyzed me
i don't want to be in this agreement
oh how did this scrawny lion find me?
blood drenches from his teeth
he has destroyed the lives of many
i am his next victim
this is not his home
so why is he even here?
death? once more his eyes question
yes. no. yes. no. yes.
confusion
what a terrible time for it to arrive
before he pounces my gaze declares:oh no! no! no!
he leaps into the air
bones and wounds i see along his body
guilt enters me
how dare i not fight
why did i not fight?
is this truly my end?
before a drop of blood from this disgusting weak lion's mouth can come near me
a strong and mighty creature rushes over my head
tackling my enemy down to the ground
a good distance away from me
i look in awe
A Mighty Lion devours the carcass of the weak one
i look for blood on this Lion's jaw
i look for bones of the evil one
no evidence is found
my fears are gone
but oh
what a broken heart i saw
the Lion gazed at me
no words were spoken
yet that look said it all:
why would you ever want to give up
i want to cry
but He stops the tears
follow me
come come hurry
and He begins to run to the top of the mountain
but my legs and feet have become like lead
a tree full grown appears
train tracks too
a train stop
people calling me
melody melody
melody
melody
over and over
i want to scream
i want to kick
why do they call me?
let me go
do not drag me on this train
i must go with Him
no no no
please let me go!
i am pinned on the floor of the train by their constant calling
get off
get off
please let me get off!
i ear the engine start
no!
no! i cannot go with these people
the door shuts and the train starts to move
once more tears begin to form
then a friend who i have not seen in such a long long while comes to me
friend: what's the matter?
me: i'm not supposed to be here.
friend: well there isn't much you can do about that now. look at this map. see all these lands? you must go find those people. then we will go to that mountain.
-end

chains around my breath

one line
over and over my lips repeat
my heart aches
my heart aches
each breath i take
sorrow fills my lungs
oh to right all these wrongs
who is to blame?
what is the cause?
i find no one
so punish me

all those small stumbles
surely they caused this great fall
if only if only
i should of
i could of
i would of
but i did not
were i to be perfect
should it be the key
could it have opened the rusted doors
would we all be free?

"who is that orphan wondering the streets?"
oh my Father!
do i so little resemble You that no one knows Whose i am?
i cry out to you
my lungs and heart can't take this pain
please heal me!
that key
that rusted door
they are no more
why do i scar myself to remember
the pain is poison
slowly it stops my heart
slowly i fall out of your shadow
into the darkness of the cold bitter streets
no one looks to me to find You

this
this is the worst
to not be known as Your child
why must the lies be so loud?
i love your "still small voice"
yes my God is strong and mighty
but were He to speak as loud as the lies
i would be crushed
but crushed i am not

the lies are like a thick frost on my bones
Lord may your fire consume me
You have rescued me from the frozen cobble streets
into the rich open valley you take me.
the valley of sorrow
the valley of death
i fear not
for i cannot
grow so long as i have chains around my breath

the lies will be silenced
and even if they continue to scream
i will listen to the still small voice
that gave me breath to sing
sing a new song everyday
every moment
"there's within my heart a melody
Jesus whispers sweet and low:
'fear not,[daughter], peace be still! I AM with thee in life's ebb and flow'
Jesus Jesus Jesus!
sweetest name i know!
fills my heart with laughter
keeps me singing as i go."

the lost song

i hear those notes
the chords form
and the memory of you comes to me

i prayed you would find life
life starred you in the eyes
life drums on your hearts door
so that you may have music evermore
but you choose to continue to die
the music stops
where is the beat that made your blood run through your veins?

you choose to die
i choose to live
i cannot stop living
i must keep singing
i play the melody
alone with no harmony
and some days when all is quiet i hear the lost song
the one you showed me
yet how could you ever think i would trade life for the wrong?

my life would shatter
if i were ever silent on what really mattered
you begged for silence
so silence you receive

i am here
you are gone
gone with the lost song
no tears i weep
but my heart cannot keep
from crying aloud
for my God to save you

how are you? [tangent time]

this could be one of the most frustrating questions for me.
are: verb. definition: to be.
so how am i?
to be something. but im not constantly something.
then again i am human. and i am christian.
so i am constantly both of those and there is no changing that.
but my actions can like to tattle on me for not behaving as a christian.
then again the title christian is one this world gave to disciples. and now many who are not true disciples claim to be christian. christian meaning Christ-like. but to be a disciple is to follow Jesus step by step by step. and when some say christian that is what they mean. but for others christian may only mean: one who does good deeds like that Jesus-guy.
how are you?
i am not good. no one is good but the Father.
i am not well but everything is well with my soul because of the peace that Jesus has placed in my heart.
how are you?
i am not terrible. yes im human. but im not fully terrible. i was thinking about this the other day. there is no equal to Jesus. this many people have known forever and a day. but as i was pondering on it i realized just how much of NO equal there really was...or is it is not? i cant even be perfectly human bc Jesus has got me beat there. and it's AWESOME! there isnt an evil that will overcome me nor can anyone become perfectly evil. because only God is perfect :D bwahahaha!
how am i?
i am not an emotion. those things can and do change rapidly. and sometimes it hurts us when people change from an emotion of merriment/friendliness to bitterness and and anger. or vice versa.
how am i?
how am i what?
how am i me? well God made me who i am. and my flesh, this dark world and little evils are out to make sure i behave as i am not. but Thank you Jesus for grace to set me free from all of that so i can be who You created me to be in You.
therefore:
how am i?
i am not the Great I Am-but He is full of awe! and indescribable and makes me grin!- but i am who i am no more no less. and i cant complain. and i would like a different question please!