joyous strains

don't fear don't fear
that's what i need whispered in my ears
please Father take me away from here

the world and i can't get along
both think the other wrong

pain
You presence carries me through this
can you hear my joyous strains?

everything is meaningless
a chase after the wind
out the window has gone happiness

don't fear don't fear
where am i to go from here?

the last goodbye

nevermore shall i speak to you

nevermore will we sing

i came back

no time to speak

and you shut the door

thoughts of you from which i am free

this is it

never again will i come here

i showed you the key

but you want to stay in this cursed place

thank you for the music you shared

i will take it and make it a blessing to all

even if you choose to stop and never play again to crowds large or small

how joyful my heart is to say goodbye

you can be a fool

but oh! i can run without looking back

you cannot forget it is salvation you lack

even as you live as a stubborn mule

and on your death bed

you will see great Light about which you read

and you will say your last goodbye with a painful sigh

run and speak

i wanna run away

and just sing

and make music with all my soul

and dance and play
in the warm fields of my King
why is it here i must stay?
no ears are listening
hearts as black as coal
refusing to be made whole

wrong answer
those words make me feel like a deadly cancer
if you are so right
why then is your life filled with strife?
toils snares and dangers
bring me no fear
but you try to drag me into those dark places full of confusion
i will not nor cannot go there
i am in the Light and He is in me

why must i keep speaking to them?
they are not listening to the Word.
i know what You have told me so i declare Your News.
i cant do this. please take me away.
but You tell me to stay
and my heart cannot bear to go against Your will.
how much longer must i wait to leave and find Your people
some are here
but is it a lie that many more are way over there?

how easily they become offended and say i am wrong
but my heart does not break when they say these words
when i speak do i sound to them a crashing gong?
or have i become a buzzing bee
longing for them to find the cure.

repeat repeat repeat
how many other ways can i speak?
i shed no tears
let them be consumed in fears
i spoke
they scream
i walk away
their blood is on their hands
i shall keep running towards the promised land

coming back

silently i left

no reason

i slipped away

you calmly asked why

but you received no reply

at first my mind was at ease

surely someone else would find you

surely someone else could show you the Light

but my heart would not let me think this thought right

memories of you came and went

all the while i prayed for you to repent

time has not healed you

there you still lie on the ground

with the sword in your heart

blocking you from receiving Strength which gives healing

you say you left the race long ago

but i believe you were never in it to win

you may have cheered others on

but only for the audiences to be pleased with the show

i have not left this race

and now i come back for you

freedom still allows you to not join

nor do you need to let me come back

if silence is what you choose

i understand

for i did the same to you

Father don't let the bitter dream come true

silence

question

answers

truth

lies

truth

fragment

yes and no's

wrong way

this way

oh how the snake twists around me

innocence and wisdom collide

the battle rages on

serpent and dove

forgiveness i seek

for complicating simplicity

work and work

longing to relax

relaxing and getting behind on work

there is a time for work and a time to relax

voices beckoning to relax come to me at every direction

but the season is not here

and it may not come for a while

silence the voices that pull at you from every direction

part of you wants to not deal with any of this

thinking about it means you are worrying

no dear friend. that is a lie.

determination

endurance

this is what you must have

do not let those for whom you care distract you any longer

you are where you need to be

now grow

it is possible to be by the still waters as the winds of storms begin to blow

obey.

obey more.

do not let your desires conflict with God's amazing plan

self discipline many have not. will you become like them?

they think themselves in the right and yet they are still there.

you will be leaving soon and if you carry with you these bad habits they will become a burden

stretch your wings

become fit for flight

for in a moment your time there will be over and the new journey will begin

yes

yes and more yes!

keep going! look the crowd you thought against you now cheers you on

they never stopped cheering

you became disillusioned with the lies

but now you see

and though your heart aches for a different story you mustn't give up just because it isn't picture perfect for everyone

train

every way

every day

into the silence

then take flight

way up there you will proclaim the Truth and by the Truth many will be saved.

:(

ah!
the sun arises
a fresh day
a new start
surely today i will not stumble
my gaze is fixed on the Lord
here i go out into the world

a cold wind greats me
it is no matter
for the Lord is an ever constant fire burning inside me

alas! what is that in the distant?
someone calling for help
but it didnt sound like help
yet the call was indeed missed
and so early on what should be a glorious morning
i have brought the storms
how long will i be so quick to disobey?

and thus a burden lays upon my shoulders
what have i done
i asked to see those ready to live
and what do i do but become a little girl

the night grows closer and the entire day begins to look brighter
but not for this fool
once more must i fail
for who would ever--
so easily angered they became
but i didnt speak for harm
and yet harm came
and in the darkness we all remain

no hear no speak therefore no see

please please please let me go ask them my questions
it does not have to be all the people
just let me ask one person
let one human have the answer
i am a bad listener
i know where i want to go
but did You tell me not to go there?
my heart aches for a land far from here.
why must i stay
and watch so many choose to die
when those who do not know life
are longing for the cure
i cant even speak right
my words have done more tearing down
than any building up

tighter they pull the fold of the blinds
do You want me to stop speaking?
anger brews from within them
how haughty they become because of my slow speech
they say, "quick quick give me an answer so i can prove you wrong!"
just let them overcome me
and sweep me away.
my heart continues to grown
why does sorrow constantly follow me?

here is a person
look! over there another.
speak
no be quiet!
silence
no yell!
oh back and forth the debate in me
i will be silent
no i wont
i like chaff which the wind blows away

but you and you and you
all of you have shown what lies in your heart
forgive me for being a burden
someday i will be gone from your land
and into another
you will hear no more of me
i hope and pray, that wherever else i go, i will be the servant the King has called me to be
what keeps me hear?
why do i fly not, but shed many tears?
if i cannot communicate to these people
if i am still a child here
what makes me think i am ready to go to another land in this world?
being mature and complete
able to talk to anyone
speaking as a bold lion
no
i am not ready
for i have forgotten the training of my youth
now i must start over
and here i stay
while others refuse to hear me
so i refuse to speak
then nobody sees

oh Father.
forgive us for our stubbornness
let Your Light uncover this darkness that consumes us
Your way is not complicated
yet many follow the ways of the pharisees and sadducees making up stumbling blocks
i will race
you have set me free
i do believe it
so now...though my flesh is afraid...i will speak
give me the words to say
for my thoughts are but a breath

dream from march 2009 or april 2008?

tis a dream i had
a while ago
when i think of it
i cant help but stay on my toes....

i stand in a dark valley
strong mighty mountains before me
behind me
the moon shines down
little light fills my surroundings
only enough to create silhouettes
emptiness consumes me
i think it impossible to continue with whatever it was i had to do
suddenly i see a blue and red light
it starts from midway of the mountain
closer
closer still
the base of the mountain it has reached
though i am in the middle of the valley
i make eye contact
cold dark eyes
longing for me
"death" he whispers through his gaze
"death?" i question with my weary eyes
he is gaining ground on me
something tells me to fight
but i wont
his offer of death has paralyzed me
i don't want to be in this agreement
oh how did this scrawny lion find me?
blood drenches from his teeth
he has destroyed the lives of many
i am his next victim
this is not his home
so why is he even here?
death? once more his eyes question
yes. no. yes. no. yes.
confusion
what a terrible time for it to arrive
before he pounces my gaze declares:oh no! no! no!
he leaps into the air
bones and wounds i see along his body
guilt enters me
how dare i not fight
why did i not fight?
is this truly my end?
before a drop of blood from this disgusting weak lion's mouth can come near me
a strong and mighty creature rushes over my head
tackling my enemy down to the ground
a good distance away from me
i look in awe
A Mighty Lion devours the carcass of the weak one
i look for blood on this Lion's jaw
i look for bones of the evil one
no evidence is found
my fears are gone
but oh
what a broken heart i saw
the Lion gazed at me
no words were spoken
yet that look said it all:
why would you ever want to give up
i want to cry
but He stops the tears
follow me
come come hurry
and He begins to run to the top of the mountain
but my legs and feet have become like lead
a tree full grown appears
train tracks too
a train stop
people calling me
melody melody
melody
melody
over and over
i want to scream
i want to kick
why do they call me?
let me go
do not drag me on this train
i must go with Him
no no no
please let me go!
i am pinned on the floor of the train by their constant calling
get off
get off
please let me get off!
i ear the engine start
no!
no! i cannot go with these people
the door shuts and the train starts to move
once more tears begin to form
then a friend who i have not seen in such a long long while comes to me
friend: what's the matter?
me: i'm not supposed to be here.
friend: well there isn't much you can do about that now. look at this map. see all these lands? you must go find those people. then we will go to that mountain.
-end

chains around my breath

one line
over and over my lips repeat
my heart aches
my heart aches
each breath i take
sorrow fills my lungs
oh to right all these wrongs
who is to blame?
what is the cause?
i find no one
so punish me

all those small stumbles
surely they caused this great fall
if only if only
i should of
i could of
i would of
but i did not
were i to be perfect
should it be the key
could it have opened the rusted doors
would we all be free?

"who is that orphan wondering the streets?"
oh my Father!
do i so little resemble You that no one knows Whose i am?
i cry out to you
my lungs and heart can't take this pain
please heal me!
that key
that rusted door
they are no more
why do i scar myself to remember
the pain is poison
slowly it stops my heart
slowly i fall out of your shadow
into the darkness of the cold bitter streets
no one looks to me to find You

this
this is the worst
to not be known as Your child
why must the lies be so loud?
i love your "still small voice"
yes my God is strong and mighty
but were He to speak as loud as the lies
i would be crushed
but crushed i am not

the lies are like a thick frost on my bones
Lord may your fire consume me
You have rescued me from the frozen cobble streets
into the rich open valley you take me.
the valley of sorrow
the valley of death
i fear not
for i cannot
grow so long as i have chains around my breath

the lies will be silenced
and even if they continue to scream
i will listen to the still small voice
that gave me breath to sing
sing a new song everyday
every moment
"there's within my heart a melody
Jesus whispers sweet and low:
'fear not,[daughter], peace be still! I AM with thee in life's ebb and flow'
Jesus Jesus Jesus!
sweetest name i know!
fills my heart with laughter
keeps me singing as i go."

the lost song

i hear those notes
the chords form
and the memory of you comes to me

i prayed you would find life
life starred you in the eyes
life drums on your hearts door
so that you may have music evermore
but you choose to continue to die
the music stops
where is the beat that made your blood run through your veins?

you choose to die
i choose to live
i cannot stop living
i must keep singing
i play the melody
alone with no harmony
and some days when all is quiet i hear the lost song
the one you showed me
yet how could you ever think i would trade life for the wrong?

my life would shatter
if i were ever silent on what really mattered
you begged for silence
so silence you receive

i am here
you are gone
gone with the lost song
no tears i weep
but my heart cannot keep
from crying aloud
for my God to save you

how are you? [tangent time]

this could be one of the most frustrating questions for me.
are: verb. definition: to be.
so how am i?
to be something. but im not constantly something.
then again i am human. and i am christian.
so i am constantly both of those and there is no changing that.
but my actions can like to tattle on me for not behaving as a christian.
then again the title christian is one this world gave to disciples. and now many who are not true disciples claim to be christian. christian meaning Christ-like. but to be a disciple is to follow Jesus step by step by step. and when some say christian that is what they mean. but for others christian may only mean: one who does good deeds like that Jesus-guy.
how are you?
i am not good. no one is good but the Father.
i am not well but everything is well with my soul because of the peace that Jesus has placed in my heart.
how are you?
i am not terrible. yes im human. but im not fully terrible. i was thinking about this the other day. there is no equal to Jesus. this many people have known forever and a day. but as i was pondering on it i realized just how much of NO equal there really was...or is it is not? i cant even be perfectly human bc Jesus has got me beat there. and it's AWESOME! there isnt an evil that will overcome me nor can anyone become perfectly evil. because only God is perfect :D bwahahaha!
how am i?
i am not an emotion. those things can and do change rapidly. and sometimes it hurts us when people change from an emotion of merriment/friendliness to bitterness and and anger. or vice versa.
how am i?
how am i what?
how am i me? well God made me who i am. and my flesh, this dark world and little evils are out to make sure i behave as i am not. but Thank you Jesus for grace to set me free from all of that so i can be who You created me to be in You.
therefore:
how am i?
i am not the Great I Am-but He is full of awe! and indescribable and makes me grin!- but i am who i am no more no less. and i cant complain. and i would like a different question please!

where is my treasure?

oh my little eyes
mother sang to me as a child
for you to be careful at what you see
when i was little i thought they were only bad things
but look- no dont!
the good things are pleasing upon which to fix your gaze too.

what are these riches that have captured my attention?
there is nothing evil in them
see how good they are?
or do i not see?
perhaps i have blinded myself

music music music!
my ears hear the sound and my heart is pleased!
what do people remember the most?
the sermon or the music?
this isnt easy
a price that seems never able to satisfy
it has worked for other servants
why does my heart seem burdened?
was i not sung over as a babe by my father
that Jesus would keep me singing
let me sing for all to hear the glory of my Savior
yet, truth in this choice is not found by those who rule
they do not speak encouraging words
they point me in another direction
should my ears listen to those in authority?
is this God telling me to abandon this wealth of peacefulness?

where am i going?
can i partially surrender?
just in case i havent heard correctly?
for where are You taking me?
i ask for direction and i walk in a fog
what is this cloud that covers Your light?
i cling to something that is not my Lord
why is my grip so strong?
how much more must the Spirit take away so i can see this poison to which i cling is not the answer to all my questions?

tired. sleep. weary. drained.
even youths grow tired and weary
but i am ready to renew my stregth
the cure is to hope in the Lord
the medicine is hard to swallow
might i know the directions before use?

deaf pride

to go or to stay
adventure or knowledge
which would i choose?
one to glorify God for at least a week
another to prepare to glorify Him for the rest of my life
surely a week would do nothing
they were all going
what would i do before and after the short trip?

my plans never work
surely this is the way
or maybe i missed my turn way back there
i messed up
the plan did not have good results
smoother sailings were predicted
but now more sacrifice is the consequence

don't stay here
don't focus so much on the future
obey now
live now
i heard that voice say
but then there was the voice
stay. and work
prepare for the long journey ahead
this one seemed better for me.
this one seemed better for me to be a better servant
but my Lord delights in obedience not sacrifice

how was i to know that i was to go anywhere?
was it my fault for not doing the proper research?
i didnt know where to begin.
but i was already here
and i know i eventually will go
but i prepared the way
and the road was terrible
thorns everywhere
no where to rest my head with out the fear of being harmed

oh pride! deaf pride!
let me go!
i no longer wish to be with you.
you have ruined my way of thinking
as a child i had no doubt
God said and i did
now so many options
God says and i sit and think

my heart is weary.
all this focus on work makes the outsiders wonder:
is work her god?
it wasnt supposed to be like this
i am becoming my greatest fear
the rich young ruler
doing his "daily good"
yet to stubborn to let all his earthly riches go

obey. trust and obey.
not work. work some more. and at the end of the day
give five minutes to obey.
when i was i child yeah i acted like a child
sure i may have thought like a child
but now that i am a woman
i have forgotten my childlike faith
i replaced the running shoes required for this race
with heals that make me slow down my pace

Lord your sword was removed.
silence is before me.
i have too much
how can i break away from all of these possessions
it is easy to say you are my Lord
and another thing to follow throw and surrender everything
talking such as this makes me sound just like them

Spirit, sweep me away!
i don't care anymore of anyone's demands
demolish the lies of everything mus t be done now
i will stay in this desert until i am ready by your standards for the battles that are coming my way
You and You alone are my Guide, my Hope and my Salvation.

battles were coming near
my hand was to quick to the sword
i thought i knew the battle plan
but i went to all the wrong sources for training
what can the world give me?
its knowledge means nothing to me if failure is my reward

what a bitter cup to drink
this cup of disobedience
it was painful and satisfied only me only for a moment
but i thought i was obeying in my head
but in my heart i heard a voice that grew fainter by the day:
leave here and come back later
this is not the time for knowledge
now is the time for action
and now the time for knowledge has come
and my sword is put down
it has grown heavy in my hand
rust has come along its edges for i refused to continue practicing off of the battle field

pride. disobedience.
the sweet escape never came.
here i am. enslaved to a system of learning.
and what have i learned besides letting pride and my plans
deafen me to the Master's beautiful melody
i am to be an instrument
but in my stubbornness i refused to be intune to His heartbeat-
where can i find the rhythm to sing and dance without this?

my heart is broken
my mind realizes its foolishness
pride was blown away
the Potter comes to repair the clay
His hands begin to mold me once more
perhaps this time i will not put up a fight
perhaps this time i will open my ears and hear
Father, i am yours. take me as i am
and let me not forget this lesson i have learned

God keeps His Word.

learning the hard way is so painful. and yet that seems to be the only way God can get through to me.

before continuing to read this read Jeremiah 1, Psalm 2, and Proverbs 28:1.

now then.

somewhere within Jeremiah chapter one God says:

1)you must go wherever I command you and say whatever I tell you

2) do not be intimidated by them or i will intimidate you in front of them

3):I'm not sending you to a people who speak some foreign language-im sending you to your own kind

in psalm 2 you have God laughing at the rulers because they think they know how to handle anything and can solve all the problems

and then there is proverbs 28:1 that says the wicked flee from anything but the righteous are as bold as lions

that was like melodyism cliff notes. go read it yourself if you want exact word for word.

God has placed all of this on my heart for quite a while now. but i refused to fully listen to him. and shame me he did. here's how:

yesterday in western civ 2 we were talking about social Darwinism and the teacher stated you can be Darwinist and Christian. i almost exploded. i didnt say anything. well i did. just not to where he or the entire class could hear anything.

\i fumed and muttered: you cannot be a christian and an evolutionist

this chic that sits next to me was like: yes you can because i am

and i said: no you are not!i will agree that you can believe in God/know OF Him and follow evolution. but you cannot be both.

and then she started to babble all the annoying lies i've heard before and so

i simply say: "ssshhh!!" since the teacher was still talking all this time and i was afraid i was missing notes.......

so today after the teacher handed back our tests he was like: you! melody! i have a bone to pick with you.

me: oh dear. should i not look at my test? is it that bad?

teacher: no your test is fine just hold on

and then after handing out all the test he goes to the front of class and casually sits down and he says how i was not agreeing with what he was saying yesterday and maybe on many days of his class. and then he spoke to this guy who was able to define something perfectly yesterday when he couldnt.

he then proceeds to say: i didnt mean to pick on just the two of you but y'all are not robots! all of you! you have a brain. you have freedom. speak out!

i was as red as a tomato from the time he said i have a bone to pick with you.

at the end of the class the chick and the dude told me what they had done. this chick and this dude that sit next to me went to the teacher and told him after i had left class about how i dont speak up when i disagree with what is being said in class. they were in my western civ 1 class so they have witnessed all my fuming and never yelling out what i believe in many matters with both western civ 1 and 2...

i was furious

then i thought of all those verses

and i was like...sigh

God you are always right

but i dont trust those two peoples

but i still love my history teacher

even though he isnt right

it wasnt bc of the teacher that i didnt speak up

it was bc i didnt want to hear any more crap from all those students who despise God and his children

but you know what

that didnt stop Jesus from speaking the Truth

i need to suck it up and be strong. my heart and flesh my grow weak but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever. im rejoicing that God followed through with His word and put me to shame. i shall be as bold as a lion. maybe i will sound irrational. but nothing can be as foolish as spreading lies or not doing anything to stop the spreading of lies.

oh and as for psalm 2. i knew that verse and many others that i could of used to defend my beliefs on the entire topic. but i let my cowardliness be in control. and it hurt. when i am bold as a lion then i am not in pain. if anything my silent fuming did make some great writing time in class. which i'll post those writings later.

check out these songs:

the hard way

what if i stumble?

not finished. just the beginning

i am not worried.
no more fears.
i will not accept the offers.
into the darkness they scurried.

focus not on the blessings
but from the giver, my beautiful King.

millions of whispers deafen my ears
i long only for one Voice
all these other words sound so kind and sweet
how can good things become all wrong
somehow i try to take hold that which is not mine

Lord vanquish these fears
thus my soul shall freely rejoice!
let me not look to the bitterness that brings defeat
it is not "good things", but in Truth in which i belong
all the worlds offers i decline

another oldie but a goodie :)

Blessèd assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain

This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Refrain

Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

blessed assurance

no worries :) / good ol' hymn

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Refrain

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Refrain

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

Refrain

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

half typed

doing five things at once= half typed sentences. i tried posting a status yesterday and left out a main word.

i miss my friends.

i am tempted to pick up the twilight series again. i dont think i should.

i was tempted to get back on facebook. i am not going to do so. i still dont see the point.

thinking about the return to knoxville. im worried about classes starting in june for numerous reasons. praying about that. im scared.

prayer. beautiful in many ways.

i miss my instruments. i wish i could burst into song. no! a hymn. there isnt a hymn book here. i know parts of hymns. but not the entire song. which can be rather frustrating when u are wanting to sing your heart out to God.

i am restless.

whining. complaining. talking about myself to much....should i be blogging? it;s a good way to vent and if anyone bothers to read it then so what.

first words of the morning

i went to bed last night frustrated and contemplating something. i wouldnt pray i was so frustrated- i know. really dumb. i was mad. not at anyone. just something. anywho. my sister comes into my room wanting the keys to her car. apparently as she opened the door and was trying to be all sweet saying: melooody. then i say: WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER?! all grumpy like and whatnot. she asked me if i even remembered saying that and i replied: no...i remember u were in the middle of my room asking me where your keys were located. and i said they were on the floor. whew. dont make me think to hard when i am heading to bed. i might snap when i wake up.

updates

i didnt get the job. apparently being a fast learner and desire to learn and all that means nothing. oh well. it is well with my soul
i lied yesterday. not on purpose. i couldnt understand what the jewish lady was saying to me. i feel if i had taken time to think then talk God would of blessed me with an opportunity to share the Gospel. but i did blow my money on her awesome Israel nail products. my sister was like: you bought that stuff? and i said: bethany went to Israel and had a spa day!...that was a great response. and then she said: well you have never had a shopping spree all to yourself have you?
that made me feel better. i said: not for myself no. the only all day sprees i have ever been on are during Christmas when im trying to find everyone gifts. it felt so weird being alone getting to do whatever i want. freedom. what a nice thing. angela has been letting me drive her car around Memphis. i feel so independent. like i can do anything. but i must not get cocky. true freedom is found under God's authority.
i digress. i missed an opportunity to share the words my Savior commanded me to speak all because i chose to be confused. sigh. i get on my own nerves a lot of times. thank you Lord for forgiveness. but how many more times will i be blind to the/a command(s) that require immediate action. ugh. somedays i think im never will be ready/good for use. today is one of those days.

lies lies lies

i dont trust people. it takes me forever to trust them.
i dont like trusting people.
i trust God. sometimes im not to sure about that. but that's faith, eh?
people lie to me
people keep stuff from me
not everyone
but some of em
some of em are everywhere
some of em are in your life too
am i one of em?
am i not to be trusted?
do i blend in with this world so much that you turn away from me.
what little value i am
lies. lies. lies
and i accept them.
i shouldnt. why do i ?
i. i. i.i
why me?
i focus on me-foolishness
i am told more truth.
eh? what is this? i have never heard this in my sunday school lessons
but it is there
and now i hear
but i dont believe
i dont want them to hear
i only want my Abba to hear.

///////
i am a fool.
i am a burden.
i do not want to accept these names.
but they cling to me tightly.
a blessing i have never been.
some can argue. but that was long ago.
now i die. i want to live. it hurts to pray.
why must they hear? i only want my Abba to hear.
i only want His guidance. They are not Him. they are not my Savior.
What does all this mean? i want to speak out- speak to my Lord, yet, i do not want them to hear me.
i send my thoughts to Him, though my thoughts they can hear too?
i do not want to be exposed.
i have nothing to hide.
but i do not love them.
i love my King.
i love my Heavenly Daddy.
i want privacy.
i want the secret quiet place where nothing is there save my Father and myself.
i think to myself: i do not wish to learn from them.
Lord send them to punish me if ever need be [i.e. I Chronicles 21]. but please do not let them hear my words to you. not from my thoughts nor my lips. i only want you to hear them.
//am i that great a fool? neither option seems worthy of acceptance.
i cant pray
in all this confusion.
something so stupid has silenced me?
what an idiot i am.
i want to hear his voice. where is the secret quiet place.
there i must go. and fast. for i am falling. i am falling with pain. it wont go away.
i cry out. no i dont. i remain silent. i think. i think more. im scared of thinking for now everything knows. i have questions. but the one who told me this went away.
now i am forced to run to God. everyone else has left.
Lord Lord! come fast. your maidservant is scared. like a little girl. a foolish little girl.

today and yesterday

i am in pain. my back hurts. it has been hurting since yesterday. i prayed it would go away. but now i fear of praying...pause. my grandmother just called. that made the day a little brighter. she never calls me just to chat. i can say the same vice versa. that made the day less dreary. anywho. this is the day the Lord hath made. i should be rejoicing and be glad in it!

but nightmares scared me. and more knowledge has scared me. i should follow the past three blogs i posted today. but i am sorely frightened. and my back still hurts. are my words that empty. do they hold no meaning.

i sound mad. but few if any may no what i am talking about. nothing bad. just something. but i dont like it. it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. i dont want it to be true. i prayed today it wouldnt be. i think God looked down on that. but i dont like it. i dont like it at all.

i feel empty. and not in a good way.

what a strange blog.

from april 2010- written when a storm was a brewin.

I'm dancing with joy.
Will you dance with me?
When the sun is shining life is easy.
The clouds weep with joy and you begin to fret
You have no desire of getting wet
The ground may not be dry so you may fall
Falling while dancing would be better than sitting-
sitting inside wondering "what if"
Inside you went. Inside you stay.
You beckon me to come in.
To join you in your solitude.
I will not come
Complaining gets you nowhere
i will stand here in this storm
it will not defeat me
i have not forgotten Who is on our side- you have.

from april2010- the response

i hear His voice
Oh what beauty!
His plans are wise His ways are holy
my heart is filled with joy
Forgive me for worrying
You reveal your plans for me in perfect time
The world beckons me to cling to my fears and burdens.
But You, O Lord, command me to surrender and cling to Your Words.
Why do i accept the lies whispered in my ears...
" How can you trust Him? This surely cannot be the plans your God has for you. Go and pray some more. Then rest. The time for action will come later."
O my King! My Father! Silence these doubts.
i hear your Word daily. my flesh pulls away from what my soul has heard.
True rest is found in obedience to the Lord's will.
Praise the Lord, o my soul, for He has opened my eyes.
Ears that were once deaf now hear the sweet words of the Father. Eyes that were once blind have seen the path marked out by the Shepherd.
Rest. Peace. Strength. Boldness. Joy.
All these take place in my heart when i surrender all.

from april 2010- the call

Where do you think you are going?
If you plan to travel in a pack how can you ever stand out?
you were not called to blend in with the world
you were not told to make everyone happy
Abandon your comfort zone
Surrender everything Then there is nothing else to lose
Blessing poured out in your life
Why do you not use them for My Glory?
My child wanders around asking questions
I beckon to her to stop and consider My Wonders
When she is still she shall hear My Voice.
I show her my plans.
At first she listens only to turn and become frantic.
Peace my child! Peace!
Lies have been fed from you from not of My Own.
Listen to your Father, Truth. Do not worry.
Obey me no matter what. Obey me when it is easy.
Obey me when disobedience offers an easier route.
I AM your Protector. I AM your Provider.
I AM your inheritance.
Turn to me. Hear me. Write (down) what I say to you.
My Words will keep you from falling.
My Spirit is your Guide. Listen to Him.
Abandon your fears. Abandon your friends.
Abandon your family.
Come live the life for which your heart is yearning.

time for interesting blogs

i've decided to post my real writings
if they are a waste of your time then don't bother reading them.
if you have a problem with them then comment.
i act as if so many are reading this already. how silly of me.

a zi beach!

heading to the beach tomorrow. om excited about going but i wish i could lug my piano and violin with me. a week without playing instruments just might kill me. XD

it's been raining today and i like it. thunderstorms are so cool. i wish i was a great dancer. i would dance in the rain everytime.

my emotions are like cardboard right now. dull dull dull.

church was good. ton o' peeps at sunday school today. everyone is home for the summer.

im trying to get a job at this wedding gown shop near my house. i really hope i get it.

and i've been thinking about putting my actual- that is a weird word. just look at it. actual. actual. u hold the "l" out so long you'd think there would be two l's. but two l's look ridiculous. anywho! putting my actual writings on here. but i dont want a creeper to get em. then again im pretty sure a total--that word is like actual--one maybe two people actually- there's that other l- look at my blog.

well im off to jog.

blonde moment

yesterday i was eating lupper(lunch and supper) with a few friends. the movie: the passion of the Christ came up in our conversation. one of my friends started to say: yeah i love the ending! it is sooo cool! i mean the things they did in the ending were awesome, ect. then i flip out and say: DONT TELL ME THE ENDING! I HAVENT SEEN IT YET, to which another one of my friends says: you dont need to see it! you already know the ending! it's the passion of the Christ! you know the ending!
sigh. and i claim to be a follower. whew. Lord i hope someone is praying for me and my sanity.
;)

not good news on a wonderful day

today i was looking at career websites. nothing seems like what i want to do. i went to the international mission board's website. i am now depressed. you have to be 21 to even be considered a missionary. you have to be in shape. i am neither of these. i am a music major right now but nothing seems appealing to me. i wish God would yell at me and tell me what to do. it would be a lot easier. i wish i wasnt so blind and deaf to His leading. did i mention i even looked into being a puppeteer. apparently there is a school out in California that has a program designed for puppetry. then more i thought about it the crazier i sounded.

newsflash: im off facebook. it's awesome! i feel so free. some people were upset about this. but i really never understood the point. you can read about my facebook rant in my first blog. i was thinking about how i was spending more time on facebook than i was in God's Book. and looking at His Face. then i was talking to one of my nonChristian friends and this person was like: yeah im getting off of here. it's a waist of time.--that was the nail in the coffin for me. whew. i have a life now. it';s amazing.

back to the missionary thing: international mission board wants future missionaries to have already led someone to Christ. i feel like an awful servant right now. how many people have i led to Christ? zip. zero. none. yeah. what a great witness i am. so now there are three reasons why they wont let me go. but i want to go. my heart is aching to go. but how can i leave when i dont have a plan of action from the Captain. sigh.

no matter what, my heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be Your name.

blog2

blogging is convient for missionaries and people traveling. so im glad i started this. whenever i start traveling again or whatever i can just give people this website to investiagate. or something that takes me away from here.

song of the day: sixpence none the richer&jarsofclay: let every breath
it's calming. and fits this beautiful day.

Scripture of the Day: Isaiah 64-65
oh it's so good. delicious and more than nutritious. eat it up. all of it. not just this part but all of it. nom nom nom.

peace.

perhaps i should just journal.i guess this is something everybody can see on their own leisurely time(THE WHOLE WORLD WIDE WEB!not really but i bet all the hackers are already bored with this. haha). and i can just come write on this whenever and i won't become obsessed with it like i did facebook. i won't! i won't! i won't! no more facebook. i tried it for almost a year and i just dont like it. i got on there to catch up with friends but there was just too much rubbish on there. life is dramatic enough without facebook. sure there are people who say they use it to keep up with friends but ya know...there's this thing called email and chatting that can work just as well as fbook. and you have to have an email to be on facebook. and the art of letter writing is dying and im rather sad about it. it is fun writing letters. not only that but writing letters properly is an elegant thing to put into practice.
so i have decided the following:
-facebook is not for me. i dont care if everyone else is on there. the world will keep turning if im not on there.
-im almost tempted to look on my fbook account but i really dont care. if someone needed to talk to me my email is on there. and the people i talk to regularly have my contact info so why even bother with fbook.

and here is some simple info you might like to know about me(if anyone is reading this)
1. do not assume i am like everyone else. i cannot stand being compared to other people
2. somethings i can pick up on quickly others i need some explaining. be patient and explain if your trying to teach me something. i'll eventually get it
3. dont lose your temper. it doesnt become you whatsoever.
4. with sports: it's just a game. life will keep going and world still turn whether your team wins or lose
5. fireflies. owl city. go look it up on youtube. this song makes me ever so happy.
6. i stop here. 7 is the number of completion and i will be back to work on this later. so come back for more random readings if i haven't bored you to tears.
peace